“I’m stuck. It’s not getting better, I’m not getting out. monsters that scratch and claw at me, having their way, whispering their words, of loathing and detest. The worst part, the part that keeps me up at night? It’s in my own fucking body, my own head.”—(via givemethesunshine)
Because I’m a huge dumb ass and I never feel the need to write my assignments I am doing this instead. Something I haven’t done in a long time and was one of the many reasons people have told me to start a blog. I am going to rant. Note that this is a very short and summarized version of my views on religion, many ideas and concepts I subscribe to will be left out of laziness I guess.
Religion has played a huge part of my life, both of my parents are devout to the Christian religion and I have many friends who are religious. I have gone to church with my parents many times over my childhood until they FINALLY understood i was not interested around the age of 13 or 14. I would like to say though I have almost never had a negative experience when interacting with anyone that subscribes to any form or sect of religion and these opinions I will soon vocalize do not pertain specifically to anyone I know, nor does it take away from my respect for them as human beings.
I like the concept of religion. I like the ideals and sense of community that it is supposed to create. I like how all major religions talk about being a good human being and treating others with respect, giving to charity and helping those in need. But I also hate it. It creates bigotry, ignorance and selfishness for obvious reasons. religion is always plays a pivotal role in conflict because of the exclusive nature of it (I.E. other people who do not subscribe to the same belief systems are often said to be evil or will not be “saved”). Religion tries to explain the meaning of life, the universe and all of its intricacies and fails miserably. I will be the first to admit that science cannot and possibly will not answer every question about the world around us, and to say that “science will EVENTUALLY explain it” is a little lazy and childish. Though, on the other hand saying that because science does not explain EVERYTHING does not prove religion is correct, a book collected from a bunch of different books possibly written and re-written by dozens of different people cannot possibly have the answers to the universe and saying that God was speaking through them and all that shit is complete nonsense. I am not an atheist, I am agnostic, meaning that I believe that there is a possibility of some kind of external power or being but to be completely honest, religion does not have the capacity nor the patience or care to fully encompass whatever that force is, we clearly do not understand it if it is there and to say that we have any idea of its intention is quite literally impossible.
I would like to think theres an afterlife, the thought of having your consciousness just ending suddenly after you die, and all your decisions, loves, interactions and thoughts vanish instantly scares the fucking shit out of me. That being said, I cannot bring myself to believe that the vast, intricate and infinite mysteries of death can be fully explained and summarized in any religious text.
You walked the side streets of her crooked face and found all stones turned and all the hope stolen. She follows bastard’s sons and cemetery walls. She can’t stand the sight of you and your heart sinks like all those ships you destroyed so long ago. You damned fool, your words are mangled, tangled and broken, you can’t understand how they work and it makes you fucking sick. You’ve spent so many years hugging the dead air and pretending someone is there. You soon realize no one is there, there never has and there never will be.
Him and the boys at work went out afterwards to this place called the Copper Coin. The old wood and brick walls made it feel like home. He found himself down at the Coin more that he would have liked. Staying later and later with each visit, even after the boys would go home to their girls. That’s all he wanted, a pretty girl to come home to. A familiar face that wouldn’t leave. And one night she was just sitting there, alone and unaware. He had never seen a prettier thing in his life. That was that, he had made up his mind. After a few drinks they walked home, and that’s the way it was for years.
"When I got into punk and hardcore we were proper outcasts. We got into fights with the pretty boys that nowadays seem to be the bands. We were ugly and stupid and no girls liked us. They still don’t. Now it seems like all the jocks and pretty boys got themselves some fresh Ink and everyone loves them.
This has nothing to do with my life and the way I grew up or the music that I create or listen to. Damn, I am an grumpy old fuck.”
Don’t worry Dennis, you aren’t just a grumpy old fuck, I feel the exact same way
If there is one thing I’ve learned through my 18 years of living it is that life is much like a story. A long, intricate, beautyfully grotesque and horrible story. It has a begining, it has a middle and it has an end. Whatever end that may be, happy or sad. Dostoyevsky once wrote that a novel needs a hero, and much like the original intent of the statement, I think that this is not true. People would like to think that their life has purpose or has some kind of significant impact on the world around us, but this is also not true. Much like stories, life requires no hero. You are not a hero. Who you are and what you do does not matter to the rest of the world. Your life has a begining, it will have a middle and it will definitely have an end. Once your story’s last pages are turned and once the book is closed and all the rest of the people who gathered to remember your story your name will be forgotten.
One night, in the summer, after my shift at work, I found myself walking up a familiar hill. I stopped dead in my tracks, sat down on the side walk and looked up at the sky for about 2 hours straight. In this time, no one, not even a cat or a squirrel could be found. I looked up at the stars and just enjoyed the summer air. This is of no significance to you, I just felt like writting it….
It’s been about a month since I moved out, and I still don’t know what the fuck is going on. I just want everything to stop, I just want everything to make sense again. I don’t know what I want, need, or even deserve, I cant hardly fucking think streight anymore. I have met so many people over my stay in my new house, some wonderful, some not so much, but I can say with some degree of certainty that I feel alone.
I know, I need to cheer the fuck up. I get that, but there is a difference between becoming frustrated and angry at something you are working to change and simply giving up.
I watched a movie the other day. It’s called “Princess Mononoke”, it is my favorite movie, and to be quite honest, it makes me cry. I have sat through countless movies without crying (including toy story 3) but this movie gets to me, not in a sad way, on the contrary, the movie is quite uplifting and happy by the end. It makes me cry because it reminds me of a time when I was happy, truly and utterly happy. A time when I belived that the world was wonderful and magical, a place of infinite and wonderful posibilities. When I believed that there wwas something more than this. you know, that time don’t you? You had it too…
The time when you didn’t give a shit about getting laid, you didn’t cringe at every pathetic attempt at talking to the pretty girl at work. When you didn’t worry about spending the rest of your life alone, you knew it’d be alright…. you just knew didn’t you? But now, now all the girls pass by without a second glance, with contempt filled eyes they look down on your small and weightless shoulders and only look at you in disgust and repulsion and laugh at the pathetic nature of it all and most of all they laugh at you…..
Work part time. Make less than $20,000 a year. Grow your hair out. Live under constant threat of eviction. Wait until your bills arrive and pick envelopes before paying them. Have a pregnancy scare. Have highly personal and easily misunderstood goals. Maintain a healthy body weight. Always have a scheme or a poorly thought out plan. Wake after nine but before noon. Have roommates regardless of your age. Be a success sexually but remember your failures. Understand the world wasn’t made for you. Understand your parents are just people and be nice unless they unmarry. Understand sexual partners know you better than your friends and treat them warmly. Have definite opinions but understand the world does not care. Judge people on how they will feature in D&D campaign. Love animals. Do not treat retarded people like lepers. Really don’t treat lepers like lepers. Be kind to people. Listen to Renee and Angela. Do not be afraid of other people’s opinions. Understand art has a context and don’t dismiss things outright. Don’t resent people with money. don’t be married. Do not have children. Avoid hard drugs, they make you talk too loud and that’s annoying. Understand people have the right to be tasteless. Approach doors with confidence and not fear. Attach yourself to people who are funny, distance yourself from uptight squares. Embrace the media. Try new things.